Given this, now what? – getting intimate with an expansive question

Encouraged by my dear friend Cathy, I started writing a blog around 2011. For about three years, every week, I would write a Monday Musing. As a coach dedicated to the practice of asking good questions, most of the articles were posed as a question.  As I like the idea of the reader taking the question on as their own—to prompt self-reflection and inquiry. I write more randomly now, but there is one powerful coaching question I have long wanted to offer you.  

Given this, now what?

This question has taken on an even deeper significance for me, as I asked it of myself recently when a locked-away childhood memory was suddenly unearthed.

But first…

The Power of Questions

Questions are at the heart of coaching and awakening potential. Through powerful and pertinent questioning, we help others raise their awareness, shift their thinking, and access their own wisdom, insights, and solutions.

Of course, the best questions come from deep attention and curiosity. When we have that purity of presence with our coachee, we can intuitively ask the question that helps them refresh perspectives, see more clearly, get unstuck, or unravel possibilities.

And as a coach, we inevitably build up a toolbox of classics—those questions that are simple yet profound and inevitably work because we have experienced their impact ourselves.  One of mine is..

Given this, now what?

I can’t recall which coach first asked me this question, but it has become a classic. Over the years, I’ve seen how it can really liberate  people. As with any powerful question, you never know what will happen when you pose it. Often, it creates a sacred pause—a moment of thoughtfulness, pondering. Sometimes, you’ll see the receiver scratch, shift, or squirm as recognition dawns. “Ah yes”  you hear them think out loud, “I do have choices”.

Given This, Now What?

Four simple yet profound words, stretched into one wise invitation. In being asked it (and asking it of myself), I have gone deeper into its parts and so I offer this deconstruction to you:

Given: A call to take it all into account—the good, the bad, and the ugly. A realization that it could not have happened any other way.  

This:  It is named. We may never be able to fully see, know, feel, understand, or articulate all of it, but in some way, shape, or form, the thing has been identified.  

Now: Holds the presence, the potential, and the possibility. It speaks to the magic of this moment.  

What: The openness of one of Rudyard Kipling’s honest serving men The beautiful, expansive, inquiring *what* orients us toward a dream and a future.  

The Sum Is More Than the Parts

Maybe in their completeness, those four words invite us to:

Think for ourselves:  By the mere fact it is a question, it literally asks us to to tune into what it is alive and true for ourselves, rather than defaulting to the advice or opinion of the other.

Acknowledge the past: We acknowledge what has brought us to this moment. We don’t have to judge any of it. It is what it is. We are where we are. This is not about denying the past; we grieve and honor what we can. 

Trust: We trust that “all is unfolding as it should”. That everything that has happened—or hasn’t—has led us to this point, including the wisdom we’ve gathered along the way.  

Surrender: Ultimately, it invites us to surrender to this moment. To let go of expectations or disappointment about the past or what we wished had been.  To surrender to life’s greater intelligence.

Create boundaries:  We get assertive and draw a line in the sand. 

Accept: Not necessarily to forgive, but to accept with graciousness, and be in peace. The question tells us to breathe and relax our nervous system. For it is impossible to imagine possibilities when our nervous system is overwhelmed. 

Embrace paradox: The world is full of contradictions, and so we embrace them. We acknowledge the past without getting trapped by it. We start from now but lean into the future.  

Empower ourselves: With so much out of our control (particularly the past), we shift focus to what we can create. What do we want to bring forward? What can we dream? That is empowering. Who doesn’t love potential and possibility?  

Step into wholeness: Past, present, and future are all wrapped into this one moment—and into this one statement. This is where life is. This is where life starts from.  

Applying it to myself

With such power and clarity, this was the question I turned to when, last summer at the ripe age of 54, deeply locked childhood memories came flooding back—memories of sexual abuse by a family friend.  

Given this, now what?

The seeker found an answer. Even though all my years of deep soul-searching—through leadership, coaching, meditation, journaling, vision fasts, dance, dream work, psychotherapy, early childhood, breathwork, the list goes on —may not have revealed the memories. For sure, they have equipped me to cope with them.  

Given this, now what?

A commitment to not abandon myself. Whether in shock, grief, rage or shame. And including overcoming fear to break the silence, by writing a letter to him, and taking up the New Zealand Police’s invitation to report it. Not just for my own sense of justice but to come forward as other courageous souls have done to reveal abuse in our societies, as a way to address it.  And I have activated the justice route as far as I can. Records that could have served as evidence are no longer retrievable.  He denies it. It is his word against mine. 

Given this, now what?

To go deeper into my healing. Now that I can identify the trauma, connecting the dots is easier and I see more clearly how it has shaped me. There are choices. I can release what no longer serves me and create new pathways. And I practice a new level of vulnerability, openness and trust to share it with those close in. And whenever I spiral down, I circle back to the question.

Given this, now what?

I feel lighter. Freer.  I am optimistic and excited about what lies ahead. For, from this moment, I have 100% of my life left.

It’s universal application 

And so, dear reader, as this coaching question was gifted to me, I gift it to you.  

Try it out. In your own way.  

Given [insert], now what?

Given [where you are in your life, your relationship, your situation], now what? What choices do you want to open to?  

In the business or your leadership, given [the changes], now what? How will you navigate it?

For us as the collective, given [the state of the world/geopolitics/colonial capitalist extractive system/wide-scale destruction of natural habitats..], now what?  

Let’s ask ourselves the question.